Body Dysmorphia: A mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or imagined. But the person may spend hours a day trying to fix it. The person may try many cosmetic procedures or exercise to excess. People with this disorder may frequently examine their appearance in a mirror, constantly compare their appearance with that of others, and avoid social situations or photos. (Mayo Clinic)
I was maybe 9 or 10. I really wanted to take dance class. My sister was taking gymnastics. It was difficult for me to process why she was allowed to participate in this activity at a place called The Dance Centre. Meanwhile, I had to ride along to all of her practices and attend her recitals. We attended recitals of friends who were in the dance program. I knew I could really do it. I had rhythm, I would mimic moves I’d seen on tv while alone in my bedroom. But, I wasn’t given the chance. I’ve never forgotten this. I always felt the real reason I was denied this opportunity was because I was too fat. Growing up, so much emphasis was always put on my weight. I had to shop at a special store (that was part of someone’s house and always smelled like cigarettes). All of my clothes had an “x” beside the numerical size. 6x, 10x, 12x. Then, puberty hit.
This helped…some. I was still naturally bigger than my friends, but not so much so that it kept me from trying out for cheerleader in the 7th grade and continuing to cheer in high school. But, I knew I’d always be a base…not a flyer. I was obsessed with the size of my legs in every photo I’d see of my squad. I was a size 9. I remember once being excited because I had a pair of jeans that were size 7. But still, my own self worth was tied directly to my weight. My size. Different family members would say things around me, asking me if I should eat this or that.
Binging became a real thing for me. I remember one trip out to San Diego when I was 8…I’d found a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. While the rest of the family was visiting with my Aunt and Uncle, I literally ate the entire box. I remember throwing all of the evidence away. I haven’t eaten a Swiss Roll since that day. I remember the guilt and I remember that moment with such clarity. The scarfing down of those little cakes.
No dance class because I was too fat. No cute clothes because I was too fat. Eat everything you can when no one’s looking so they can’t make a comment. Those are core memories of my childhood and adolescence.
Alyventures 